Taking each day as it comes.

Instead of worrying about the future, and what is gonna happen in that future, I have decided that I am going to live in the present and not worry about the 'what if's'.

And, that mean's enjoying being with Andrew here and now. I don't have to make any 'life plan's' at the moment, and when I do have to make choice's, then I will do what I feel is right.

At this moment in time, I am happy and in love, and to quote the Doris Day song 'Que sera sera'; "Whatever will be will be".

So I am gonna enjoy living in the moment.

I had an interesting visit to the sexual health clinic.

On the way to the clinic, Andrew and I bumped into his dad, who is a character, and, somehow, he ended up coming to the clinic with us.

Ok, not everyday your almost father -in -law comes with you to get your pill renewed, but it's cool. I don't mind. I'm also getting a pregnancy test done, too (always do, just to put my mind at ease), so a little akward, but liveable.

And, here's where the insanity begins; Andrew tell's his dad that it's the GUM clinic, and his dad think's we're sitting in a DENTIST SURGERY. There's poster's about sexual health up all around the waiting area, and Andrew's dad is chatting away to everyone in the waiting room, telling them he never realized gum's had their own clinic.

And he's been totally serious.

It was a bizzare half hour of my life that I certainly will remember for a long while to come.

And, no, I am not pregnant. Yippee.

But, note to self; don't take my in laws to the sexual health clinic ever again.

So, we had the dreaded conversation....

About me hating the fact he has kid's. Well, hate is the wrong word, I just feel...uneasy, especially if his ex is gonna cause grief at every oppurtunity.

And, you know what?. I still feel totally confused and alienated.

I'm starting to think that the only way I can cope with this situation is for Andrew and I never to have kid's, and I don't know if that's what I want, or not.

It just feel's like a no win situation. I'm gonna fear that us having children will cause a rift between him and his own kid's (which is already there), and I'm gonna worry that our children won't be as special or important than his other children.

Stupid, I know, but I can't help how I feel.

I sometimes don't like the fact my man has kid's already.

That sound's really horrible, I know. But, following on from my other post, I am just being honest with myself here.
 
I do love my man. I know he loves me. And I also know that he loves his kid's with all of his heart. I think he's a wonderful dad, and a wonderful man, and I would never stand in the way of him and his children.
 
Now, here's the killer part: I wonder if we did have kid's together, if he'd love them as much as he did his other kid's. I know it sounds stupid, but I do wonder if we did have a child together, would it be as special for him as it was for me. I don't have children, so for me, I would be experiencing everything for the first time, and he's done it all already.
 
Also, I wonder if it would effect his relationship with his children already. I mean, there is a lot going on with custordy with him and his ex, and as I mentioned in a previous post, there's issues going on there already. I don't wanna be the one who stand's in the way of him building a relationship with them, and spending time with them, but what if they hate me?. I haven't met them yet, but I know they don't think too highly of their dad at present (thank's to his ex) and I do wonder if they hated me, where Andrew's priorities would lie?.
 
I know, I would tell him to put his children first, but what if we had a child together?. What would he do?. I know, I worry too much. It's just in the past couple of day's, I have thought maybe a little too much about the 'what if's' of the situation's that may, or may not, happen in our future.
 
And, as I've also mentioned, I do wonder if the ex and her new partner, or my man's kids, will spoil our happiness by saying something, or doing something, to ruin our happiness, as they've already started doing. (the ex and her new man, not his kid's, but then again, by them ignoring him, they are making him unhappy, and angry and sad, so that is effecting our happiness) and I dunno, maybe i'm not strong enough to be a step mother.
 
I'd love to have a happy, friendly relationship with the girl's, but I know in my heart of heart's that is never gonna happen, and it's gonna feel like Andrew has 2 families, and I don't want my kids to have family that they don't know. I grew up like that, and I know how lonely that feel's like. I still don't feel like I properly know who I am.
 
Maybe I have to think long and hard about my future. And I do love Andrew very much, I just don't know if I'm the right woman to be in his life. It will break my heart if we did break up, but I am starting to think we need to have a talk.

I am so pissed off.....

Without going into too many details, I can say that I am really pissed off at the moment.
 
My man's exes new partner has been sending everyone on his facebook friends list messages saying really bad thing's about my man.
 
I know the thing's he is claiming ARE NOT true. Andrew has been totally up front with me about his past, and thing's that he's done in the past, and I believe that the claims are untrue.
 
The only reason cold hearted bitch ex and her loser of a new man have done this is because my man has said he's going back to court to gain more visitation right's to see his kids. Now, the loser can't have kids with cold hearted bitch ex, because, well, he's firing blanks, so the psycho pair have turned the kid's, one by one, against my man, and she's making them call loser guy 'daddy', and she want's to forget that my man is actually the kid's father, and not her man.
 
I have daddy issues, so I get pissed when men who WANT to be in their kid's lives are treated like this by manipulative, bitchy women who want to be victim's of 'bad men' and have their kid's all to themselves.
 
I wish my dad fought for me. No. I got saddled with the drunk, gambler thug who (excuse the french here) fucked off and didn't even think twice about the little girl he left behind. I know what he's like. When I was about 14, I tried to track him down, and I found some of his friend's and they all told me the same thing's about him; that he was bad news and that the best thing he ever did was to leave me. At the time, he had been arrested for domestic violence, so that was lovely to hear about my father (not).
 
I am slightly worried, though. Is it gonna be like this everytime Andrew and I have a bit of happiness?. What if we have kid's?. Will our child's half sibling's want anything to do with our child?. And what will they tell him or her. Especially if the cold hearted bitch mother and loser guy have their way.
 
I know it has nothing to do with me, officially, but it kinda does. If Andrew and I did get married and have kids (something we have been discussing), then I am gonna be tied to these awful people for the rest of my life. I don't know if I can take that.

Joni Mitchell's "RIVER".

I think 'RIVER' is one of the most beautiful-est song's ever recorded.

I even listen to it when it's not even christmas-time.

It's a beautiful song about a woman losing the love of her life, and wishing she had "a river, I could skate away on."

It's one of my favourite ever song's, and I just wanted to share my love for it.

Today I have been shopping for....

Christmas presents for my other half's daughter's.

He's having a tough time at the moment getting access to see them, but I know he adores his children, and I hope one day we will have our own little family unit.

So, anyway, today we went shopping and bought doll's. I know when I was a little girl, I loved getting doll's for birthday's and christmas. I've never actually met my "step daughter's" so I have no idea what they do and don't like.

I know it's hard for Andrew, especially when it's clear that he adores his children. I just try and be supportive and give him as much love as I can.

I want to start writing as a second career.

Writing is something that I love to do. It's the reason why I started to write a blog, and it's helped me work out problem's in the past.

And, today I have decided that I am going to follow my dream and I am going to become a freelance writer.

Well, that is going to be my second career, actually. I have stories to tell (a lot of them, actually) and I feel that writing is something I am good at, and it's my passion.

I may never make a fortune by writing, but I don't care. For once, I want to follow my heart and live the dream, instead of wasting my life away.

How to make a mango smoothie.

Even a complete beginner, like myself, can make this super delicious drink.

You need:

1 ripe mango, peeled, stoned and sliced.
1 tsp clear honey
200ml (7 fl oz) freshly squeezed orange juice.
2tbsp natural yogurt.

What you do:

1. Put the mango, honey, orange juice and yogurt into a tall beaker.

2. Using a hand-held stick blender, process until smooth.

3. Pour into a glass and serve immediately.

This serves 1 person.

And, there you go, super easy and really tasty.

This time last year.....

My life was so different. I was in a different relationship, one that wasn't as good as it could have been, with someone who didn't respect me or care to make me happy.

I lived in a different place. I moved because of circumstances in my life forced me too, but if that didn't happen, then I wouldn't have met the man i'm with now, so it's been good in a lot of way's.

And I actually know what I want to do in my life now, so I am focused, and have the drive to succeed now, and don't care if I fail anymore.

I'm scared of not trying. Even if I do fail, then so what?.

I've also learnt over the past couple of year's that - am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I don't crumble.

Yes, I cry, to let the negativity out, and then I just carry on. It's the only way I can live. Stay strong, positive and don't let anyone break you.

Going to make pasta with my own sauce later.

I've decided that I love cooking. I love being in the kitchen, and being able to produce something at the end of it that I can enjoy, and other's can enjoy, too.

I love craft's, and I am starting to see cooking as another way of me to be creative.

Tonight, I am going to make pasta (from a packet) with my own sauce. I'm going to get some tinned tomatoes (cheat a little) with some garlic, and add some veg, but not sure what yet. I'm on my way to the supermarket now, to see what inspires me.

Another thing about cooking; it bring's my man and I closer together, as it's a passion we both love, and that's a good thing.

I'm a quirky girl.

My philosophy in life is "why would I want to be the same as everyone else?".

After all, we are all unique, and life would be boring if we all looked the same, and acted the same, and liked the same things.

I decided a long time ago that I wasn't the kind of girl who was going to be a 'sheep' and follow the trend's. I was going to embrace my individuality, and my quirkiness, and not be ashamed of who I am.

And, here I am. I am quirky, and unique. I don't care that I'm not 'cool' or 'fashionable'. I am true to myself, and people seem to love me for the person I am, and not the clothes I choose to wear.

So, the "we need to talk" moment...

Was, actually, nothing. Just Andrew feeling bad about calling me by his ex's name, and how guilty he felt.

It was no big deal, though. I admit, I may get insecure at the best of times, but I wasn't actually worried about the name slip.

I know how stressed he is at the moment, and I know he adores me, so I have no reason to get insecure.

"We need to talk".

I hate those four little word's. I used those word's a lot in my previous relationship's, especially toward's the end.

And, tonight, Andrew used those four little word's in a text, and, now I am paranoid that there is something wrong with us.

Especially after earlier, when he accidentally called me by his ex's name. I am now thinking it did mean something after all (even though I believe, in my heart, it meant nothing at all).

Our mutual friend is having a bit of a crisis, and he's been round at his tonight for a bit, so I am sure the 'talk' is concerning him, but, I admit, I am a little worried and paranoid that it's gonna be something about us.

Well, when he get's home (or in the morning if it's too late), we'll have this 'talk' and I will know one way or another what is going on. Hopefully, my worries and paranoia will prove to be unfounded.

Yes, I am scared.

Ever called your current partner by your ex's name?.

I ask this question because it has happened to me tonight.

Andrew called me by his ex's name, instead of my own. I actually found it really funny, but he feel's really guilty about it.

I don't believe there's an ulterior motive behind the slip of the tongue. I know he's been stressed, and I do believe it just slipped out.

I know everything that happened between him and her. I've even met her and been to her house, (she made me coffee), so I'm not worried.

I think if it was any other boyfriend I had previous, then I would have been a little put out by the slip of the tongue, but I know that Andrew loves me, so I have no reason to doubt my relationship over the slip of the tongue.

I can tease him about it, though, and I intend to. After all, he would do the same if I called him by my ex's name, so it's only fair.

I had a great night last night.

Andrew's friend left just after eleven, so we had plenty of time to try out our experimentation.

And, wow, it was great.

He used a vibrator on my clit. That was fantastic. First time I've ever had it done to me before. And I hope it won't be the last.

Then he penetrated me 'doggy style' with the vibrator 'performing' anal on me, and, my god, to quote the four season's, oh, what a night.

It was fabulous. It was sensitive, and because we were using lube (not that we needed it, but we thought it would be fun to try) that 'tingled', it was a very sensual and erotic experience.

It was, without a doubt, the best sex of my life. Actually, since I met my man, I have been having the best sex of my life.

So, trying some more experimentation tonight, using the vibrator on him. I just hope he has as much pleasure as he gave me last night.

I love a man in glasses.

My celebrity crush is Richard Osman. I am a huge fan of 'pointless', and I am also a huge fan of men in glasses as well.

And I also like tall, dark men who wear glasses.

Why am I telling you this?. Well, because, I just wanted to write about how hot I think my boyfriend is. I know it's a woman's prorogative (have I spelt that right?. Where's the Britney Spears album when I need it?) to brag about having a hot boyfriend, and, when it comes to my man, I am convinced I have the sexiest man alive in my bed every night.

He's an ex- soldier, football geek, who is a complete klutz (like I am), who is an amazing cook (amongst other things. Wink wink) and always makes me laugh. He's also tall, part italian and he even look's like Richard Osman. Bonus.

He also has THE most amazing blue eyes ever. I love looking into them.

Yes, I'm smitten. It's been a long time since I was last so much in love, and it's a nice feeling to have.

Had a saucy night planned.

You know what it's like; sometimes it's nice to experiment in the bedroom and try new things.

Well, that's what my other half and I had planned for tonight. Some experimenting. I bought lube and a vibrator (I'll leave it to your own imagination as to what we were going to do with them) and got really excited (ahem) about what I had in mind.

But, as life goes, it didn't really turn out the way I planned. Andrew (my other half) has invited his friend around for a game of football manager that has gone on for half of the night.

I like his friend. I really do. But, I just want to get my man into bed as I've been looking forward to this all day.

It's nearly eleven, so surely, the friend will have to go home sometime. And then, maybe, Andrew and I can get some experimental time done.

If i ever do, then I will tell you if it was good or not. That's if the friend ever goes home.

I actually made a pizza tonight.

Ok, not actually made it from start to finish, as we bought the bases, but, for me, I am still proud that I made a pizza.

Boyfriend and I couldn't decide on what pizza to have, so we found a 2 pack pizza base, and thought; why not make our own.

As my boyfriend is a lover of spicy stuff, he made a salami, sweetcorn and cheese pizza (which tasted good, but I don't really like that stuff too much) and I made tuna and sweetcorn, which was pretty delicious, even if I say so myself.

I am a beginner in the kitchen, so when I try things and they turn out good, I feel very proud.

I may become Delia Smith yet. You never know.

Do you have a love rival?.

Is someone after your man?. I ask, because there is some other girl after my man.

And it does make me feel insecure.

This girl is very pretty and has the domestic skill's that I lack.

She also openly flirt's with my boyfriend, even when I'm there. One day, she asked him, in front of me, if her underwear was sexy and would he call her sexy.

He didn't really know how to reply, as he knew saying the wrong thing would get him into trouble with me, buy I can promise you he is doing nothing to encourage her.

She just seem's obsessed.

If my boyfriend and I didn't live together already, I would feel more insecure than I currently do. After all, I remember I'm the one in his bed every night, not her.

That makes me feel much better when I do feel down. I know (most of the time) I can please him more than anyone else ever could.

And that makes me feel happier and more secure.

Do you know how much you weigh?.

I have no idea how much I weigh. I know I probably am a little over what I really should weigh, but I'm an hourglass shape, and I'm reasonably fit, so I don't really mind being a little over.

When I was a teenager, I barely ate at all. I was convinced I was fat and ugly, and that I'd be alone for all my life, that I didn't eat. And when I did, I felt so guilty and disgusted with myself that I'd feel sick, or make myself sick, to 'feel better'.

Luckilly, I realized what I was doing to myself, and I confided in someone and they got me the help that I needed.

Now, I am actually being truthful when I say that yes, I do try to eat healthy, but I don't freak out if i 'pig out' sometimes. I know my usual dress size, so if my clothes start to feel a little tight, I just eat less and excercise more.

I hope I have a healthy relationship with food now. I feel I have. I'm not obsessed anymore.

An Introduction.

Thank you for checking out my blog. I hope you like what I share.
 
Being a budding writer, I will share some short stories I have written, as well as writing about my life and sharing tips and advice I find, and I do like cooking (my boyfriend, bless him, is learning me to cook, and I am slowly improving) so I will also share some receipes I like to do, and what I can actually cook.
 
In the past I have fought with depression, anxiety, OCD, social phobia, and a mild eating disorder, all of which i overcame, and made me a stronger person. I hope to inspire, even just one person, by what I write here.
 
I have a brilliant boyfriend, who is just as crazy as what I am. We love cooking together and laying in bed, singing along to the radio. We share the same tastes in music (which is a bit of everything) and we also love going out to the pub and watching the football together.
 
My boyfriend has children from a previous relationship. I'd love to have a daughter one day.
 
I am a very girly girl. I adore buying make up and clothes, most recently a pair of wedged heeled boots, which i can barely walk in, but, hey, they look good, and make me feel good (and turn the boyfriend on) and that's all that matters.
 
I love all kinds of movies (especially horror, which my boyfriend hates and chick flicks, which my boyfriend actually enjoys). I love reading all kinds of books too.
 
That's a little introduction to me done now. I hope you enjoy my blog, and i applogize in advance for the randomness.