A bit scared today.

Andrew has got his bike fixed, and is now on the road again.

I know he's been cycling for years, and is safe and everything else I've listened to when he's been trying to calm my fear's about going back on the road again.

But, and this is the serious part, all I can think about is that the last time he was on his bike, he got hit by a car.

I know he wasn't hurt badly, and he's been a soldier in far more dangerous places than the road's of the UK, but I do worry.

I love him. I want him to be safe. I do worry too much, maybe. But, I can't help it.

I'll be glad when he returns.

Taking each day as it comes.

Instead of worrying about the future, and what is gonna happen in that future, I have decided that I am going to live in the present and not worry about the 'what if's'.

And, that mean's enjoying being with Andrew here and now. I don't have to make any 'life plan's' at the moment, and when I do have to make choice's, then I will do what I feel is right.

At this moment in time, I am happy and in love, and to quote the Doris Day song 'Que sera sera'; "Whatever will be will be".

So I am gonna enjoy living in the moment.

I had an interesting visit to the sexual health clinic.

On the way to the clinic, Andrew and I bumped into his dad, who is a character, and, somehow, he ended up coming to the clinic with us.

Ok, not everyday your almost father -in -law comes with you to get your pill renewed, but it's cool. I don't mind. I'm also getting a pregnancy test done, too (always do, just to put my mind at ease), so a little akward, but liveable.

And, here's where the insanity begins; Andrew tell's his dad that it's the GUM clinic, and his dad think's we're sitting in a DENTIST SURGERY. There's poster's about sexual health up all around the waiting area, and Andrew's dad is chatting away to everyone in the waiting room, telling them he never realized gum's had their own clinic.

And he's been totally serious.

It was a bizzare half hour of my life that I certainly will remember for a long while to come.

And, no, I am not pregnant. Yippee.

But, note to self; don't take my in laws to the sexual health clinic ever again.

So, we had the dreaded conversation....

About me hating the fact he has kid's. Well, hate is the wrong word, I just feel...uneasy, especially if his ex is gonna cause grief at every oppurtunity.

And, you know what?. I still feel totally confused and alienated.

I'm starting to think that the only way I can cope with this situation is for Andrew and I never to have kid's, and I don't know if that's what I want, or not.

It just feel's like a no win situation. I'm gonna fear that us having children will cause a rift between him and his own kid's (which is already there), and I'm gonna worry that our children won't be as special or important than his other children.

Stupid, I know, but I can't help how I feel.

I sometimes don't like the fact my man has kid's already.

That sound's really horrible, I know. But, following on from my other post, I am just being honest with myself here.
 
I do love my man. I know he loves me. And I also know that he loves his kid's with all of his heart. I think he's a wonderful dad, and a wonderful man, and I would never stand in the way of him and his children.
 
Now, here's the killer part: I wonder if we did have kid's together, if he'd love them as much as he did his other kid's. I know it sounds stupid, but I do wonder if we did have a child together, would it be as special for him as it was for me. I don't have children, so for me, I would be experiencing everything for the first time, and he's done it all already.
 
Also, I wonder if it would effect his relationship with his children already. I mean, there is a lot going on with custordy with him and his ex, and as I mentioned in a previous post, there's issues going on there already. I don't wanna be the one who stand's in the way of him building a relationship with them, and spending time with them, but what if they hate me?. I haven't met them yet, but I know they don't think too highly of their dad at present (thank's to his ex) and I do wonder if they hated me, where Andrew's priorities would lie?.
 
I know, I would tell him to put his children first, but what if we had a child together?. What would he do?. I know, I worry too much. It's just in the past couple of day's, I have thought maybe a little too much about the 'what if's' of the situation's that may, or may not, happen in our future.
 
And, as I've also mentioned, I do wonder if the ex and her new partner, or my man's kids, will spoil our happiness by saying something, or doing something, to ruin our happiness, as they've already started doing. (the ex and her new man, not his kid's, but then again, by them ignoring him, they are making him unhappy, and angry and sad, so that is effecting our happiness) and I dunno, maybe i'm not strong enough to be a step mother.
 
I'd love to have a happy, friendly relationship with the girl's, but I know in my heart of heart's that is never gonna happen, and it's gonna feel like Andrew has 2 families, and I don't want my kids to have family that they don't know. I grew up like that, and I know how lonely that feel's like. I still don't feel like I properly know who I am.
 
Maybe I have to think long and hard about my future. And I do love Andrew very much, I just don't know if I'm the right woman to be in his life. It will break my heart if we did break up, but I am starting to think we need to have a talk.

I am so pissed off.....

Without going into too many details, I can say that I am really pissed off at the moment.
 
My man's exes new partner has been sending everyone on his facebook friends list messages saying really bad thing's about my man.
 
I know the thing's he is claiming ARE NOT true. Andrew has been totally up front with me about his past, and thing's that he's done in the past, and I believe that the claims are untrue.
 
The only reason cold hearted bitch ex and her loser of a new man have done this is because my man has said he's going back to court to gain more visitation right's to see his kids. Now, the loser can't have kids with cold hearted bitch ex, because, well, he's firing blanks, so the psycho pair have turned the kid's, one by one, against my man, and she's making them call loser guy 'daddy', and she want's to forget that my man is actually the kid's father, and not her man.
 
I have daddy issues, so I get pissed when men who WANT to be in their kid's lives are treated like this by manipulative, bitchy women who want to be victim's of 'bad men' and have their kid's all to themselves.
 
I wish my dad fought for me. No. I got saddled with the drunk, gambler thug who (excuse the french here) fucked off and didn't even think twice about the little girl he left behind. I know what he's like. When I was about 14, I tried to track him down, and I found some of his friend's and they all told me the same thing's about him; that he was bad news and that the best thing he ever did was to leave me. At the time, he had been arrested for domestic violence, so that was lovely to hear about my father (not).
 
I am slightly worried, though. Is it gonna be like this everytime Andrew and I have a bit of happiness?. What if we have kid's?. Will our child's half sibling's want anything to do with our child?. And what will they tell him or her. Especially if the cold hearted bitch mother and loser guy have their way.
 
I know it has nothing to do with me, officially, but it kinda does. If Andrew and I did get married and have kids (something we have been discussing), then I am gonna be tied to these awful people for the rest of my life. I don't know if I can take that.

Joni Mitchell's "RIVER".

I think 'RIVER' is one of the most beautiful-est song's ever recorded.

I even listen to it when it's not even christmas-time.

It's a beautiful song about a woman losing the love of her life, and wishing she had "a river, I could skate away on."

It's one of my favourite ever song's, and I just wanted to share my love for it.